Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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