Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
