Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
i now understand why vodka
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
