I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
