I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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