Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
