I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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