I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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