The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
