I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
