I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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