I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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