On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
