If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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