...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize