I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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