I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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