Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
