Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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