just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
