my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My liver just broke up with me...
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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