he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
