At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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