using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I wish there were birth control emojis
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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