I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
