I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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