I'm so fucking centered right now
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
