PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
