I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
