We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
