i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
