I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
