Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
