Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm sobbing to NWA
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
