Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
