Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
