Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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