someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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