Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
