he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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