your parents love me but you hate me
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize