There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
