Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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