i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
