if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
