He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
