y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
