if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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