just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
