so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
