I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
