The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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