Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
