i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
