I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
