going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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