she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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