I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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